Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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