Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
