so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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