apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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