I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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