she's into porn, im staying here tonight
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
