I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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