Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
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This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been