Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
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We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.