What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
