So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
