I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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