We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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