I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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