and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Everything about him screamed your future.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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