If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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