You're completely useless in the revolution.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
