i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
