so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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