Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss