college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
