Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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