i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
