every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
How does one acquire holy water?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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