She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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