im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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