i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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