life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
