if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
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