epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?