Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I can't turn off my feet"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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