New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
