I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
