Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
