No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
