I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
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I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
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Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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