I think im going to throw up on grandma
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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