1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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