He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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