Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
