3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
