My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
