Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
