Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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