The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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