Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
he just fucked me for my cheese.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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