If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
