Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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