I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
