You just made me feel so damn special
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
