ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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