I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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