We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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