im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
