I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
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