Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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