words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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