The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
