I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
